New Stupid Theories About Kennedy's Death

The book, Outside the Crosshairs, does not dispute the fact that a massive portion of Kennedy's skull was separated from his head during the 1963 Dallas visit, it maintains that the president suffered fatal explosive- cranial trauma through means completely unrelated to gunshots.
"Certainly extreme force was involved in this tragic death," said Dr. Horace Musashi, the book's author and a professor of computer science at Mount Union College in Alliance, OH. "However, none of the available photographs or recorded footage provides even a shred of evidence that an actual bullet did anything to Kennedy's body. As scientists, therefore, we must consider all other possibilities, no matter how much they challenge the status quo."
Musashi himself favors an explanation known as the single-massive-spike-in-blood-pressure theory.
After 11 years of painstaking research, Musashi uncovered testimony from anonymous eyewitnesses who claimed that unopened packets of duck sauce and soy sauce were hastily removed from Air Force One after the assassination. According to the book's findings, the extremely high levels of monosodium glutamate combined with the stress of mediating an intense international ballistic-missile crisis caused Kennedy's systolic pressure to mount to the point where the right rear quarter of his cranium "shot clean off."
'There are a lot of unanswered questions about the sudden uptick in Brazil-nut imports to Dallas in the year before Kennedy's death.'
Retired detective Joseph Czyz
"Case closed," Musashi said. "Mass hysteria accounts for everything else."


New Theories Suggest Kennedy Wasn't Shot | The Onion - America's Finest News Source